Do you have one? I do. My brain can’t help but form them, and it only takes a second before I know what I’d do if we weren’t together. In fact, the logistics of leaving are so easy that I avoid thinking about them lest I be convinced to take an easier path.
I don’t stay because I don’t have options; I stay because leaving’s too easy.
I left my first husband because I didn’t want the ugliness that my life had become to see the light of day. I loved and admired him enough to not want him to know what kind of a woman he’d married, so I walked away and shut the door behind me. Three thousand miles separated us, but more than that, my unwillingness to see his disappointment and hurt kept me from contacting him. The day of my hometown reception, I saw him in the checkout line at a store with a tall blonde. “Good for him,” I thought while hiding behind racks of purses. {What? I haven’t seen the man since we parted at the airport four years ago. Not breaking into a full out run was enough of a success, thankyouverymuch.}
Staying would have been harder and I was too immature for hard.
So here I am. There comes a point where you see the person you married with complete clarity. I thought I knew him and was walking into this marriage with open eyes, thought I knew exactly what I was getting into, thought I’d learned enough to KNOW.
I was wrong.
I get it now. I am officially the last to admit that this relationship is fubar. I’m admitting it. Three months after I married him, I’m staring right at his essence. I’m not sure I’m okay with that. I have a lot of thinking to do, all while fighting the urge to do what maybe I should have done all along.
Put the house on the market, pick a new city, and move. Easy peasy.
{Funny story: even as I sit crying as I type I’m wishing I was a better writer. Even now, every “that” and “this” and “it” and potentially inappropriate comma bugs me.}
So I have a backup plan. It materialized in an instant with such clarity that I felt relief. Leaving - that I know how to do. I don’t like it and it won’t be fun, but knowing you can walk out the door in a few week’s time is empowering. I wonder if he understands this about me. I don’t think he does. He asks me where I’d go, what I’d do, as if the rhetorical is enough to scare me.
I’m not worried about leaving. Leaving would be a relief. Blah, I’d have to date again, and the idea makes me cringe, but whateva. We do what we have to. It’s staying and failing that scares me. It’s running out of a single thing more that I can do to make things better. It’s giving and giving and giving in and realizing not once did my point make it intact, not once has this relationship been easy, not once have I been able to stop trying. so. fcuking. hard.
So tonight my cold and I are taking a double dose of Theraflu and hoping that the morning will bring a man with a spine and willingness to work – really work – on our marriage. Yes, I said it. There is such a thing as trying too hard, and I’ve been doing it. No more.
This is me, the too-loud too-direct too-honest woman with expectations that are too high. I am thirty effing years old and it’s time to accept myself. No more changing. If I’ve really learned anything, I won’t have to try so hard to prove it. And if I’ve really matured, I’ll decide whether to stay based on who he is and not who I wish he could be.
Here we go. Again. {Yes, I said that too. There are no elephants left in my life.}
17 comments:
I'm sorry. :(
If it makes you feel any better - which I doubt it does - I am right there with you. Wondering what I'm doing here, married. Wondering why in the world I thought I was up for the challenge of marriage again when I obviously failed the first time.
Some days I want to leave. Badly. Some days I am honestly worried we won't make it.
And we've not even been married for 3 months yet.
I hope this means we're real and not just that we have no chance.
I'm sorry to "hear" this, and my sincere hope is that tomorrow (and the next day, and the next day) will bring a fresh start and a fresh perspective for both of you.
In times like these, it can be difficult to remember the good things, the things that brought you together, the reasons you committed the rest of your lives together, etc. While it's important to face reality head on (something I think you are very adept at), remember the positive too. Amazing how refocusing your attention can help get you (and me!) through the lowest valley. (Not that you should just cast aside your concerns, willy-nilly...they need to be addressed.)
And something Will Smith said just came to me. I'm paraphrasing here, but something like:
"If divorce is an option, you WILL eventually divorce. It's not an option between Jada and me, and it's hard sometimes - it sucks sometimes - but we're in this together, for better, and for worse."
I don't know if my rambling helps or not. Just wanted to share my support. {Hugs}
Echo - yes, it did, by a bazillion. Not feeling alone is the best thing ever, because when I'm alone I feel broken. We can do it. And if we don't, it wasn't for lack of trying.
Janna - I find it hardest to believe that we'll get through it when he leaves, even just to get some space. Tonight, he lied to my face, a big elaborate tale of crap, in order to be able to leave peacefully and not have to deal with me. While I understand the reasoning behind it, it still leaves me alone. I hate alone. Thanks. No matter what, it'll all be okay. We'll all be on pins and needles waiting to see what tomorrow brings, huh?
I'm not married yet, and I have never been, so maybe I am just naive. But why did you get married? I don't mean to be rude in asking that, but I also don't think that after only 3 months of marriage a relationship can change so drastically that you'd suddenly have feelings of wanting to leave.
Diana - best way to answer you is to point you to my archives... and all the way back to www.repeatbride.wordpress.com. It's been a long journey. Shortest way to answer you is that I have an unbounded capacity for hope.
And no, these aren't new problems. Again, I'll point you to my archives.
I absolutely have a backup plan. Not more than a week goes by without me feeling gripped with fear, considering my options and plotting my departure. Sometimes when I really panic, I circle apartment listings in other cities and consider how long it would take me to pack and just disappear.
We're not married, we're not engaged, but we're firmly committed. This makes it both easier and harder, I think. If we were married, for some reason I believe that I'd have greater incentive to "stay"- but on the other hand, what's keeping me here is love, trust and faith- and not paperwork.
I do truly believe that this relationship that I'm in is worth fighting for, that this is a real big love, the person I want to build my life with, a family with, a future with...but sometimes, it's so damn scary. How does a person get over that, and does it ever go away?
Hey Hon! (Eggplant from WB here). How did I miss your personal blog?! Anyway, I love reading your thoughts and I relate so much (more than you could ever know), so I'm sure I'll be adding a billion comments.
Just wanted to send you my thoughts and virtual hugs. Accepting ones' self is probably the hardest thing in life. At 31, I'm not sure I'm doing much better of a job than 21. As I've begun to accept certain things about myself, more things that I don't like rear their ugly head and the cycle starts over again. But, I do find that the faults I have been able to accept in myself, I've also been able to accept in others too.
Just wanted to pass on some wisdom I heard from a marriage conference I went to with my husband. The speaker told us that the single most important thing that has kept his marriage together was forgiveness. Not love or compromise or anything else. Simply the ability to fully forgive, without grudges and without bringing up the past when new arguments occur. Simply because everyone screws up because we're all messed up.
Anyway, thanks for sharing. I'll be reading. :)
yuck. i unfortunately know those feelings, but for me i can't even begin to concoct a backup plan. the first 6 months of our marriage were spent rehabbing our house, not being newlyweds. at 7 months and 3 weeks the shit hit the fan and we hated each other. he started talking lawyers, i started talking pills. it was ugly. counseling helped, sort of, marriage books from the library helped, sort of, finally talking to each other instead of at each other, yeah, that helped.
i think what finally snapped me into place was when he looked at me and said, "amanda, why are you so angry? why do you fight me so much and so hard?"
i didn't have an answer, but i had tears and the tears kind of softened my hard outer shell and then i found my answer.
i fought him because i didn't want to lose him and i was angry because i was scared that i already had.
wow, sorry for the novel, but i will add one more thing and reiterate what janna said. try to focus on what's positive. i'm such an Eeyore, i make everything gray and cloudy when it's not. it helps me to jot down the good things of each day (no matter how mundane, like the puppy did not pee in the house!), even if the day as a whole was a shit sandwich. after a few days of doing that, i somehow feel a little better about myself and my husband and subsequently our marriage.
you are not alone, most people just don't talk about the not happy stuff. thank you for having the courage.
This post could have come directly out of my journal. My guy and I aren't married and have gone back and forth about marriage for the last 2 years. Some days are better than others but we go thorugh the same thing you are going through at least once a week. The fighting and yelling and talking for hours, I know it well. Most times, it feels like we are each giving the other person what we as individuals want & need instead of what the other person needs. It turns into this awful cycle of fighting and hurt and mean words when all either of us really wants is to be content and feel safe with the other person.
I have a backup plan and daydream about how much easier life would be on my own. Some days the only thing keeping me here is the fear that leaving would be the wrong decision. Other days, hope is what ties me to him. Hope that we will be better for each other and for ourselves.
You are absolutly not alone. I hope that morning brings a brighter outlook.
:(
HUGS.
Back up plans are good. Good for you for knowing what you want.
Oh dear, I'm so sorry to hear that you are struggling. Even more so than you have recently let on. Hope today brings better things your way. You are a strong woman. Whatever happens, I know you can handle it.
My heart breaks for you! We will keep you in our thoughts and prayers.
Huge, ginormous hugs!
I feel the exact same way.
Our lives have very similar themes. I've been married a little over two months and last week on the third week of travel I wondered, "what did I get myself into?" Yesterday, I thought about my exit strategy, although, this time I couldn't see it. I can't see leaving Dan and dissapointing him. Not because he is the one, but rather I am too much of a coward to do so. I would rather wallow in my self pity and personally destructive habits. Sure flirting can be harmless, but not the way I do it on work travel. I wonder if I'm not programmed to be happy. I wonder if I'll ever believe in marriage. If I'll ever be emotionally faithful.
I'm 30 and I'm afraid of who I am and who I've become. I'm afraid that I got married because it was easy. It was far harder to walk away and tell the world and their poofy white dresses that I don't believe that marriage ever works. And get this, my parents just celebrated their 35th wedding anniversary, but I don't think their marriage was the right thing for them all the time. Sigh. I'm with you girl. I know it helps me to know that I'm not the only one.
Hey,
Marisa, I originally read your posts from your bride blog, and then found wedding bee... and you were and will always be my favourite bee, if i may be so bold. Your writing is beautiful, and your propensity to allow us a window into your soul, with all that comes with it, is so inspiring, courageous, and hope-inducing for the rest of us.
I found this blog via a link somewhere, maybe Jenna's, not sure now...
I have to admit, (and am delurking to do so,) that all throughout your weddingbee posts, I was worried for you. And for your marriage. I knew it was none of my business, and that many relationships have issues, and you are one of the few people that is honest about it.
But I couldn't help it - I wanted to scream from the rooftops to you, and simply say to you that to put it on hold, or postpone the wedding, or anything - just 'Don't do it." Because in pure, honest truth, loving and being in love simply shouldn't be that hard.
True love isn't that hard. And I hate that you make apologies for yourself all the time. You are who you are, a beautiful, funny, honest, determined, outgoing, emotive woman, and the right person for you will love all of that and more. You are not responsible for creating the drama. You need to know that.
I know I am just a reader, and am only seeing the one side, and am absolutely over-stepping my cyber boundaries.
I just genuinely believe you deserve to be so happy, and I don't want you to spend one more day on this earth spending time with someone that isn't making you so, when you could be spending that time finding yourself again, and becoming excited about the unknown future.
I've been with my husband now for 5 and a half years. We've lived together for most of that time, and just tied the knot recently. Of course, it isn't always perfect. But I can honestly say, that he is the greatest man I have ever known. And I admire him so much. And I love our Love, you know? And in the immortal words of Charlotte York, from the SITC movie, "I am happy in my relationship. Every day."
And i am also a talker, a writer, complicated and more. But when it's right, it's not work.
I promise you that.
You have not failed. You simply trusted. You believed, you hoped.
Now be excited about the unknown future, and put your faith, hope and joy back in yourself and your life.
Forgive me for commentating, and for overstepping my mark, but I genuinely just want you to be happy... and I'm worried for you.
A Cyber Hug,
Kate, Vancouver, Canada
Ohhhhh Marisa. You are such a brave fucking writer. And a brave fucking human. I love you.
*hugs* Meaty.
Some great books that have helped my husband and I are the "five love languages" and "Love & Respect." We are always working on growing ourselves to be a better wife/husband.
I agree with the Will Smith quoted above, "If divorce is an option, you WILL eventually divorce. It's not an option between Jada and me, and it's hard sometimes - it sucks sometimes - but we're in this together, for better, and for worse."
Before we got married, we discussed that divorce was not an option for us.
I put God 1st and then my husband, my husband is not perfect and he will disapoint me, but God never will. Our faith is the #1 reason why I know our marraige will work. We made a convnant with God. I will pray for you.
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