As part of Blogging the Bright Side, I’m trying to ferret out the habits I have that keep me from being happy, so while this post may not seem to be very chipper, I do have a point. Really.
We’ll start with a story: my husband spend all weekend doing laundry. I hate doing laundry and therefore don’t do it, a choice made possible by my work-at-home gig. I will pick yesterday’s outfit off the floor and wear it again with absolutely no qualms, justifying the practice because I don’t sweat, don’t get dirty, and don’t DO anything. Really. I sit at my desk, freezing, typing away. If my fingers were attired you might make the case that they do enough to warrant a washing, but they don’t.
So I don’t do laundry and Joey, because he does get dirty and has to go out in public daily, does. Our laundry pile grows to epic and fur-covered proportions and turns into a really big project. He, being the fantastic man he is, slays it with dedication and aplomb. Okay, and a bit of whining and bad attitude, but still….
I should be grateful when I see the bins full of clean clothes in our bedroom, and I am, but more overwhelmingly, I dread what will come next, because I KNOW. I know that he’ll be grumpy that he did all this work and it will soon be for naught (you know, because clean clothes will inevitably get dirty again). I know that he’ll want gobs and gobs of appreciation, which I feel but can’t ever manage to convey in a way that makes him feel as good as he expects. I know that we’ll fight because I will look through the clean laundry for my favorite pair of underwear and something will fall off the pile and he’ll be pissed that I’m not giving the clean laundry the respect it (and he) deserves. I know that he’ll hint and cajole and passive-aggressively imply that he wants me to drop everything on my schedule to fold and put away my clothes rightthisminute… and I’ll ignore and avoid and work from the coffee shop so that I have an excuse (nevermind WORK) to not have that done when he gets home.
I know, oh, ho, I know.
Ridiculously, I AM grateful. Really. Looking through the clean clothes to decide what to wear today was fun! Like shopping! But free! I appreciate the effort he put into it especially because I wouldn’t. I would never, ever, ever spend an entire Sunday trekking to and from the basement to move clothes from the washer to the dryer on regularly and yet totally annoying intervals.
But I can’t manage to convey this effectively, so we fight. Over a good thing, yes, but a fight nonetheless.
So I did some research and I found this:
Seven Principles for Cultivating Gratitude
By Gregg Krech
- Gratitude is independent of one's objective life circumstances;
- Gratitude is a function of attention;
- Entitlement makes gratitude impossible;
- When we continue to receive something on a regular basis, we typically begin to take it for granted;
- Our deepest sense of gratitude comes through grace -- the awareness that we have not earned, nor do we deserve what we have been given;
- Gratitude can be cultivated through sincere self-reflection; and
- The expression of gratitude (through words and deeds) has the affect of heightening our personal experience of gratitude.
Nice idea, wrong how-to. I get the concept of gratitude, it’s recognition of that gratitude where I’m stuck.
And here’s where my personal and professional lives converge, yet again: I’m about to launch a recognition initiative at work. But while I can find a myriad of articles on how to do recognition properly at work, all of my searches related to spouses turned up nada (“how to give appreciation” “appreciation spouse” “how to give appreciation spouse”). Lots of stuff on thanking, not so much on conveying my soulful and committed appreciation for a weekend of laundry – short of taking the morning to put my clothes away.
What do you think I should do (short of taking the morning to put my clothes away, because it offends me that he implies I should do this during my workday, which admittedly isn’t always used for strictly work-related activities but still shouldn’t be used for completely unrelated stuff lest I fail completely at my half-hearted attempts at discipline)?
12 comments:
hmm. i'm the one doing all the laundry and yes, it is colossally annoying. from the beginning i made the point that i didn't mind the sorting, washing, drying and folding parts of doing the laundry, but i was not happy lugging the laundry to the basement when dirty and from the basement when clean. now, hubs didn't have a problem transporting the laundry, but he would always wait until i asked.
i don't like asking, not with the laundry or other chores. i don't think it's acceptable because we're a team and he needs to help on his own volition, not nagging (or gentle reminding) from me.
oh ho yes, we fought about this, many times; but now the laundry makes it up and down the steps without me saying much of anything.
i guess my point is that i was searching for gratitude and wasn't asking for kowtow or a multitude of thanks, merely assistance.
p.s. our laundry remains in baskets until it's time to do laundry again or we get really, really bored.
Oh man. You just described our laundry routine. I don't hate doing laundry, but I hate folding it. Mark folds it. Then I'm to put it away rightthisminute. I would honestly rather live out of the basket of clean clothes.
Possible solutions? Help. Fold together. Put the laundry in the washer, or move it to the dryer. What exactly is it about laundry that you hate? I used to hate the sorting, but a 3-compartment laundry bin with removable bags fixed that, and they get full enough that you know that you have to do laundry.
These kinds of 1-sided chores breed resentment, because there can never be enough gratitude if the other person is doing them all the time. I have concluded that the best way I can show my gratitude is to help fold, help put away my laundry when its done, and do a load myself every once in awhile (I aim for +1 a week.)
It seems like he's made it clear how you can show gratitude in this case: put down a carpet/blanket/whatever in your work room and fold/put clothes on hangers while you read blogs/take breaks from work. Yes, it's annoying that he wants you to do it while you're working, but he's probably just as annoyed that he has to do a mountain of laundry on a day off and then watch as it sits there. Maybe, in general, the way to show gratitude is not by saying thank you but by contributing to the process. And by doing it while you blog/take breaks from work, you'll get through it without actually having to focus on it, even if it takes a while longer to get it finished. I loathe doing laundry as well, so I wait until it piles up and it turns into a big thing, so I've recently started doing a small load while listening to a podcast and folding while watching a movie/tv/hulu. It makes things way easier. This may be one of those cases where it takes more energy to think of ways around it then it does to just do it.
I don't understand why we have such a crazy aversion to laundry. Likely because it was at best a traumatizing experience for us growing up? lol. (I laugh while at the same time hoping mom doesn't read this comment. Laundry times were hellish.) Actually, any kind of cleaning in general was a traumatic experience.
On a side note, maybe the next project in our lives should be tackling this aversion we have to cleaning. Based on our conversations, your blog and twitter posts, my bitching, etc. it seems like we spend way too much time and energy complaining and avoiding something that, when you're actually doing it, isn't so bad and can at times even be relaxing. Gotta figure out how to get the moms (whom we love dearly) out of our heads when we approach it :)
Okay, okay, I hear you. Really.
Mrs. Gilmore - I hate asking for help on something that benefits both of us too. "Asking for help" implies that it is for my benefit, I think. I suspect I get annoyed because I often do chores without shouting from the rooftops or insisting on help in return - instead, I consider them a gift. If I clean the kitchen, I clean the whole kitchen without asking for help because that's the point: I cleaned the kitchen so you won't have to.
But I hear what y'all are saying. My thank you's aren't effective because he doesn't want words, he wants actions.
Ellie - great suggestion to consider what I hate about laundry. I hate the never-ending-ness of the chore. With the kitchen, I can start at one side and finish on the other. Twenty minutes and I'm done. Period. Laundry is like this awful intermittent, "Crap, I forgot to move the laundry" situation. But you know, I don't hate putting my clothes away - I kinda like it. I do hate hangers but we've agreed that he doesn't have a say in how I put my clothes away. Mostly I just don't want to because it's expected and on his timeline.
Yes, I'm a child.
I gotta agree with what everyone else is saying.... to show your gratitude--help! Or at least be timely about putting your laundry away.
I am the laundry-doer in the house. I don't mind *doing* it. What I do mind is when the husband doesn't put his clean clothes away. Clothes that I have spent hours sorting, washing and folding. Clothes that sit on his side of the bed, just waiting to be put into appropriate drawers. Clothes that, at bedtime, are piled onto a chair simply so he doesn't have to take 5 minutes to put them away. We've had this fight too. And I've gotten to the point where I've stopped folding his clothes. I sort. I wash. I fold and put away my clothes. His clothes sit in the basket now. Waiting to be folded and put away. They get wrinkly. Which means more work for him because he is the iron-er of the house. I don't expect "thank you"s for doing the laundry. It just would be nice if the act was recognized and appreciated. I hope for your sake that your husband isn't like me and has just stopped dealing with parts of your laundry. :)
blah. i said it without saying it.
i think what your hubs is looking for is an action of gratitude. ellie and lebendesmarienkafers were better at enunciating what i meant.
i sort of feel like asking for help on chores means they are my responsibility but i can't do them without help. chores that keep the house running, however, are not my sole responsibility. we both work full time, i also have a part time job (i'm kind of a masochist) and we have 3 dogs.
to surmise and to pull from some of your previous posts, sometimes trust is in the inaction while gratitude is in the action.
Face it babe....you are totally capable of gratitude....I have seen it and so has J. 2 problems here (as I see it) J needs lots of back-pats (don't we all) and You truly truly HATE HATE Pull-your-toenails-out dislike laundry:) Maybe find something else you don't mind to do (that J does right now) in exchange? Laundry may be your "PASS CARD":).....or do what Rudy said (littleherelittelthere)
Hugs!
http://www.instructables.com/id/S8WRO5EG02LS7HB/
Not at all relevant to your post, but I totally want to do this (although I never will, lol)
Delurking to ask a question.
Why not handle it the way my husband and I do. You worry about your laundry and he worries about his.
If his objection is that he always has to do all of it, then make him responsible for only his. Your argument is that you don't dirty clothes in the first place and therefore have no need to do any.
There are some things that simply don't deserve to be arguements. Laundry is one of those things. Yeah, he loves you and hates the mess so he does the wash. Is it nice? Yeah. Does he get to play the martyr because of it? Nah.
Besides, I imagine when you run out of clean drawers you'll hike it to the washing machine and take care of it. Right? :-)
I really don't mind doing laundry but I also love to iron so I'm a freak. I understand where you're coming from on the gratitude thing. Have you read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman? I read it when I first moved in with my then boyfriend/now husband and it helped us understand our wants and needs. He needs tactile demonstrations while I like verbal. Some people need gifts; some need you to do something for them. Usually, people try to love and appreciate in their language rather than the recipients. If the recipient isn't the same language, they may not interpret the gesture correctly.
I'm glad you brought this subject up because I probably haven't been giving my hubs enough back rubs lately.
It makes me laugh that we ALL have the same issues at home. I do all the laundry - mainly because a lot of my stuff can't be dried - I don't even let me my mom do my laundry! I don't mind the washing/drying - but I stopped folding his laundry oh about 1 month into marriage. (The same time I stopped making his lunch every day!)
I tried piling his clean clothes on his side of the bed so he HAD to put them away - but he just moves the pile to the dresser at bedtime. I only get 'really' annoyed when it stays that way for DAYS... that's when I pull the whole "I WASH ALL YOUR CLOTHES.... the LEAST you could do to show some thankfulness and respect is to put the clothes away" :)
As far as gratitude - A simple 'Thank You' that shows he noticed the time and effort spent goes a long way. I also appreciate when he does something else around the house - not even laundry related - like washing all the dishes - sweeping the floors - something to make my list shorter :)
My laundry gripe. He'll run out of scrubs and then come 'bitchin' about not having any clean ones. I kindly remind him that I don't wear scrubs everyday and do not keep a hawk's eye on that pile.... if he notices while getting ready he only has 2 clean pairs left maybe he should mention that to the 'laundry fairy' and she'll make sure it becomes a priority :)
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