Not Quite Betty Crocker

{This is a follow-up to my earlier post on How to Compromise.}

While I generally agree with the idea that in a real true ideal butterflies and rainbows compromise (or negotiation) nobody has to lose, in some cases, that's not true.

Kate Spade was asked by Fast Company a few years ago how she could handle working with her husband (he runs her company) day in and day out, and how they handled disagreements. She said they didn't bother to try not to talk about home at work and work at home -- it was all their life and therefore fair game at any time... and they long ago decided that the person that cared the most should win. I read that article five years ago and I still think about it at least once a month. At least. So hard (yet so easy) to just give in if you don't really care, but people rarely do.

In some cases, though, you will both care equally and passionately about opposite things so finding a win-win isn't possible. This gun situation is the perfect example. He wants guns in the house, I don't. There's no middle ground that doesn't involve each of us giving up something, and while the ideal of "compromise doesn't equal giving anything up" is nice, in reality you'll find a few places where you both feel strongly and both have to give in. Not fun. We find more of those because we both feel strongly about virtually everything. EVERYTHING. Which news program we watch in the morning, whether the hallway should stay the green color it is, whether to rip off the ugly (me) and original (him) wood around the fireplace. Equally strong opinions. So compromise for us is the real deal, the "we each have to give something up" kind of thing. And in this case, giving anything up is even harder because it's such a critical and emotional situation for both of us.

That being said, it's easier to swallow if you know what you're getting in return for the giving up. In my case, I give up knowing nobody will ever get hurt because we don't have guns anywhere in exchange for him having to get up every damned time there's a sound outside because I now officially refuse. And he gives up the feeling of being in control because he has to check with me before he takes the gun out. And I give up a weekend and some $$$ to go to a class. And he gives up being able to fool me into thinking the gun-related purchases he makes are necessary or a good deal (because now I know better). And I give up not thinking about home intruders and other ugly things. And he gives up bs'ing me about the probability of having a home intruder because Hi, I'm a researcher and can now spout stats.

The interior vs. exterior thing is a much easier compromise once we both remember that we have a part we care more about and therefore give up too much input on the other in exchange for our own fiefdom (otherwise known as going along with the person who cares more if only so they'll stop bitching and it gets you out of helping). I won the furniture battle very early on. He won the yard battle similarly. We go with my dog training strategy because I did 90% of the dog training.

But in some cases, you have to grit your teeth, accept that you won't be as happy as if you'd gotten your way entirely but happier than if you'd lost completely, and shoot for something in between.

On the bright side, this gun thing will serve as the template for future disagreements over things that really matter, like how to raise kids or whether to pay for private schools. So it's good for us and absolutely necessary, but not really fun.