Not Quite Betty Crocker

If there’s one constant in marriage, it’s the need to let go – of control, of expectations, of everything you’ve ever thought you’d known about what makes a marriage work or fail; only then do you find solutions that work for you. Every day I am in this marriage with this man in this life, and though my experiences from my past lives are inputs into who I am, who I am now is much more successful at living this life if I let go.

But I like to be the decider! I am the Supreme Decider, in fact. I was raised to believe that every single thing was a choice – even not doing anything is a choice.

I know myself well and cope with my quirks. This is how I get through life.

Back to being Supreme Decider: I like to decide what I’m doing now and what I’ll do next, and am fortunate to have a job where I can do the same. I am in almost complete control of my calendar and my projects and my schedule. I am the meeting organizer, the project lead, the idea creator.

But there’s a downside and it’s why I don’t do well with task lists: I constantly look for decisions to make. “Finished #1 on my list. Do I work on #2?” You’re not supposed to think about whether to work on the next item, I know. That’s the whole point of a task list, to remove the think-time in going from one task to another.

And I’m terrible at transitions. Really terrible. I surf the net long past the time when I should start being productive, simply because I don’t know how to stop. I don’t get up and go to bed when I should, not because I’m doing anything interesting but because I don’t make myself stop what I’m doing (nothing) and do the next thing (sleep).

I have a point, really.

My need to be the decider and my struggle with transitions are the basis for many of the little fights in my marriage. The laundry thing is a good example. I hate doing laundry because it’s a constant transition from what I’m doing to laundry and then back. Yuck. I’d prefer to cook or clean the kitchen, something I can start and finish at once. So I don’t do my own laundry until I absolutely have to, and then I either drop it off or do it at a laundromat where I can do nine loads at once.

When Joey does laundry – or anything, really – he wants me to be ready to jump in the moment he asks. He doesn’t understand that I don’t do well with transitions because he happens to do very well with them. If he wants me to go to bed at ten, he needs to give me the heads up at nine so that I can a) decide how I feel about that and b) plan for the transition. If he wants me to fold three baskets of laundry and put them away, I need a window of acceptability, not an expectation that I’ll do it now because that’s what he wants.

I know, it sounds like I’m just being petulant. But think of it this way: why be petulant with myself? No reason. If I don’t have the opportunity to decide where I stand and plan for a transition, I go back to feeling like a five year old with my arms wrapped around myself and unwillingness to make eye contact.

For now, because my husband, while loyal and gentle and helpful and caring, is not particularly empathetic (sympathetic, yes; empathetic, no), I’m trying to choose to let go. Quickly. And in general, I need to get back to planning things out and then just following through. I’m happiest when I have fewer choices, so ironically, I do best when I don’t have money for things and just make do or when my schedule is so packed I don’t have time to think.

I know what I need to do in my life to keep my stress levels managed; now I just need to do them.

Do you have manageable little quirks that cause tension in your relationship simply because your partner doesn’t share them?

{Forewarning: tomorrow, because it’s Friday, we’re going to talk about a juicy topic sometimes known around these parts as Twister. The nice part about using analogies is that my posts stay work appropriate… at least in theory.}