I should be finishing my next-to-last Christmas gift (so that I can get to the LAST – hallelujah -- Christmas gift) but instead I found myself writing a blog post in my head. Again. The same blog post as the last three times I noticed myself writing blog posts in my head, so I figured it was time.
Why do so many of us have discomfort in celebrating holidays with our in-laws?
I’ve been thinking about this because I like my in-laws, but I’ve been kind of poopy about Christmas with them. (Hi, sister-in-law!) I’ve been a brat, wanting to scream “No!” every time I hear about plans, any plans, but without a good reason. I just don’t wanna.
{Consider my silence on the whole matter evidence of my maturity.}
This is the first time since 2004 I haven’t been back in New Mexico for Christmas. That year, I stayed in New York City with my husband, our first year away from family in a new city with fabulous Christmas traditions of its own. It was fun, but I barely remember it.
What I do remember is being home for Christmas in the year I was most alone. Then a year later, bringing my new boyfriend home (for the first time ever at the age of 28) to meet my overwhelmingly fabulous family, all 19876 of them at once. He handled it like a champ. We went back the next year and had a great and relaxing time.
This year we’re here, a compromise offered that seemed fair at the time, except now I want stomp my feet and wave my fists and declare my unwillingness to believe in fair, thankyouverymuch. I just want to be back home.
And then I remember: home is here. I’m married. We’re a family. And I wonder why it’s been so hard to disengage from my family-of-origin this time when I don’t recall any angst the first time around. Maybe the second time is harder because you know more clearly what you’re giving up. In the years I lived hundreds of miles away from them as I attempted to grow up and own up, they welcomed me home and for a few days, I knew exactly what to expect, how to act, what to say.
I got to be the filter-less ME.
Newlywed life is tough. Fun and fantastic, but tough. I keep my mouth shut much more often than before; try harder; wish more. Wishing is bad. Nobody should have to try this hard. And I’m tired of keeping my mouth shut. It sucks my soul.
So this year more than ever, I want to go home. I want to remember what it feels like to just be me around people who have known me forever and can’t leave me. We’re all stuck with each other and I love that.
Instead, my husband and I are struggling to be what each other needs. We’re exhausted, frankly, and wishing we’d opted to go to the place where traditions absolve you of the need to do anything but go with the flow. My family’s traditions are big enough that they carry on despite, well, almost anything. My mom has nine sisters, so even if some people can’t make it, other people will. We don’t have to think or decide or make anything happen.
We’re feeling the burden of being the grown-ups who have to make things happen. We’re tired. We’re prone to grinchiness and sitting around in front of the TV. But we’ve sucked it up and found some Christmas spirit. We put up a tree, planned a Christmas Eve dinner, bought each other presents.
And when I want to scream “No!” because I wish I was with my family, I’ll remind myself that this is my family now. My in-laws, my husband and I are my children’s family, just as much as my parents are. We’ll build traditions in preparation for our kids, which is a much more fun way to think about it, even if all we do is spend an hour or two together on Christmas Day.
{But I can’t wait to go back next year, prettypleasethankyou.}
9 comments:
Thank you thank you thank you thank you. Yes. This is exactly what goes on in my head. I'm am also a newlywed and we had the discussion about where to spend the holidays months ago. Thanksgiving with his family, Christmas with mine. This was before his father passed away in October.
After he passed, my mom offered to be good with the idea of us going to his family's for Christmas but I held firm. I just can't be without my family on Christmas yet. My husband was sad and I felt selfish but my famliy is like yours where it's loud and the traditions carry us on. I know going to his family's house will just drown us in sadness. We're not far enough removed from the death to have a happy Christmas.
Plus, this being our first married Christmas together, I don't want to put up my "happy" defenses with my in-laws. I want to be around people who get me and get why I would be upset. trust me, I did that at Thanksgiving and almost yelled at his mom. Which isn't something you want to do your first 5 months into marriage. yeesh.
So thank you for this. I'm so sorry you won't be with your family, even though you two are a family now. Sometimes you just need to be with the people who won't ever let you go.
Amen sister.
(I had a bit of a meltdown last night over something so trivial as stocking stuffers arriving to my brother in time and Matt just said "Man, I really didn't see that one coming".
Sniff. Sniff.
Sigh, I don't like this compromise either. We did Thanksgiving with his family. We're doing a brief Christmas with mine and then driving to his for the rest of the weekend. Things will change when we have kids or (I hate to say it) his nearly 99-year-old grandma is gone, whichever comes first.
I've also not really been in the gift buying mood. We're temporarily in a place where we all are grown, have jobs, most have a spouse, and none have kids. Seems like if you need or want something you can just buy it. Eh, I sucked it up and became Christmas-y anyway. Good luck to you!
Well said, and thank you for saying it! Every time we talk about Christmas plans for our first married Christmas, which will be next year, someone's feelings are hurt, someone feels like their family is getting screwed. It sucks! That's a good idea to focus on that he is your new family now.
Hey lady. I've read your blog for a while now but never commented (except for the cute stray dog you picked up) however I think you hit the nail on the head here. As evil as this is, I am secretly glad my husband's family lives far away from us (as in several states away) because that means we get to spend Christmas-time with my family. There is and there always will be something about being home, your childhood home, for Christmas. I love my in-laws, and love spending time with them, but not Christmas! I am the same you as, I have to remind myself that someday (when we have children) we will need to stay in OUR home for Christmas, no matter how much I will want to drag everyone to my parents.
This is our second married Christmas, and the first Christmas in my life that I'll be away from my family. It's weird, and I don't like it, but we agreed and now I'm stuck. Last year we did Thanksgiving with his, Christmas with mine, and this year we switched. It's fair, but it stinks. We live within 45 mins of his family, so we see them all the time. We see mine about twice a year, because they're 6 hours away. They're also very dramatic... I'm used to it, but husband is not, which means our visits have to be somewhat spread out.
Our agreement is good... and fair... and we're both sticking to it... but I'm still feeling a little grinchy too. :/
hmm. i must be the odd woman out. christmas with my family, though full of traditions, is stressful. for the last 8 years or so i've felt like holidays with my family are a test or an act. holidays with jay's family are so laid back, no stress, no drama and most importantly no guilt trips. just food, conversation and when appropriate, gifts i'll actually use.
Oh my gosh, I just had to comment: YES. I know exactly how you feel. We both shared Thanksgiving and Christmas with both of our families last year (they only live about 1.5 hours away, so it's do-able yet hectic) and this time around, I knew what was coming and have just been totally heartbroken about having to sacrifice any of my family's stuff. It sounds like yours -- my family is big and huge and supertight and I love our holidays, and my husband's family is so so so tiny. They're just such different experiences. I like my in-laws, but the holidays just aren't as fun without a billion people & little kids running around. Sigh. I just find it very very difficult to get all pumped up for any holiday with them.
We just had our first married Christmas, and his family came to our house. It was awkward, weird and unpleasant. For so many reasons. I don't have a family of my own, so I should be grateful. I suggested we not buy gifts next year and go to Hawaii instead. Family awkwardness avoided.
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