Not Quite Betty Crocker

I’d love to give this post a better title, like, “Ten tips for surviving the holidays with in-laws,” but I can’t.  This whole honesty thing makes for much less titillating headlines, because a) I haven’t tried them yet so I can’t call them tips, and b) “surviving” makes for such negative connotations.

It’s not my in-laws’ fault they’re not my family.  They are their own family, and I wouldn’t expect my people to be any different than they are, so it’s unfair to wish the same on my husband’s people (even though mine might be louder and rowdier and therefore slightly more fun).

See, even there, I’m comparing them to my peeps, and of course that sets us all up for frustration and drama and a little bit of foot-stomping.  My husband is much better at this holidays thing: he’s joined me more than once for Christmas and enjoyed the things that were different from his experience.

So in that spirit, here’s my plan for getting through the holidays with someone else’s family:

1. I’m going to stop thinking of them as not-my-family.  This is my children’s family.  They’ll someday have fond memories of the quiet, relaxed side of the family (like I do of Christmas Day with my dad’s family) just as much as they’ll enjoy the raucous, crazy side of the family (like my memories of my mom’s side of the family).  See the symmetry? 
2. I’m going to experience the holidays like an observer would.  Did you ever join a friend on holidays with their family?  It was a much different experience than this in-law thing, because you didn’t have any expectations.  If you made comparisons, they were factual, not emotional. So just like my mom tells me stories about my dad’s side of the family and their celebrations, I’m going to watch with an observer’s eye so I can tell my kids about their dad’s side of the family.
3. I’m going to remind myself that this isn’t a zero-sum game. Sure, we all make compromises in the name of marriage, but this isn’t an all-or-nothing deal.  We’ll spend holidays with my family again, next year, in fact, so I need to stop thinking about this Christmas as “the Christmas I wasn’t home” and start thinking about it as “the Christmas we got to spend at home.”
4. I’m going to enjoy the quiet moments rather than wish them away.  Every year since I moved away in 2004, I’ve had to deal with holiday travel – the expense, the frustration, the hours and hours on the road.  Every year.  I buy gifts based on weight and suitcase availability, wave goodbye to my animals and prepare to come home to a trashed house and mounds of laundry when we return.  But this year, we get to sleep late in our own bed, enjoy our many animals and their shenanigans, bake treats for the neighbors, watch Christmas movies on repeat, wear our pajamas all day, eat lobster for lunch on Christmas Eve… the list goes on and on.  A good friend remarked that she wished she and her husband had the chance to create their own traditions – while I was wishing that I was packing to go to snowy Boston for the holidays.  The Christmas is always cheerier on the other side.
5. I’m going to do the little things that remind me of my peeps… even if they take effort and shopping and money.  So, tomorrow we’re going to make tamales, darn it, and maybe try to bake biscochos.  We are going to wear Christmas pajamas and eat a big ol’ ribeye roast and snack on yummy appetizers and drink wine and open presents and enjoy the fire tomorrow night. And maybe play Scrabble. On Christmas Day, we are taking our Christmas freaking spirit (and tamales and biscochos) to my sister-in-law’s house, plus handmade gifts I hope they don’t hate, and we are going to have a good time.
6. I’m going to grow up, be a wife and enjoy this new life.  I’m still going to whine and maybe even shed a tear because I won’t be with my peeps, but that’s part of growing up and getting married and being someone’s wife (and someday, mother).  Seven months ago (tomorrow!) we gave up our “before” and walked into our “after,” and this is part of our after.  His people became my people.

How are you doing with the whole holidays thing?  Do you have any other hints?