“I think I made a mistake.”
That’s what I think when things go wrong. Every time. Fighting with my husband, bad surprise at work, terrible news about, well, anything, and…
“Oh, God, I think I made a mistake.”
The first thing you think when things go bad says a lot about you.
“Oh, no, this is going to be really bad,” might be factual once or twice, but if you think that every time, it’s probably not. “I just knew this was going to happen to me,” suggests a bit of paranoia and maybe some poor-me, don’t you think?
“Oh, this is definitely a mistake” says that I take too much responsibility and blame for everything. It says I believe bad things are my fault. It says I think I knew enough to know better, even when I didn’t.
My first thought when things go wrong says I live in regret. It says I need faith.
I want to live in faith. I want to stop worrying that every imperfection in my marriage will come back to haunt me because in my fcuked up universe there is perfect karma. I’ve been there, I know how liars learn. I want to believe we’ll get through things and that just like things get worse, they get better, too. I want to remember to breathe until the urge to throw something passes without having to recite, “Breathe. Don’t throw things,” over and over and over again.
I want to stop saying these things and start feeling them.
So the next time I am screaming within the depths of my head that “I think I made a mistake!!” I’m going to try like hell to think this next:
The future is never wrong – even when it’s not what you expected. (hat tip)
3 comments:
like you, my typical response when things go wrong is "oh crap, what did i do?". i'm working on changing my perspective from that to "okay, what can i learn?". maybe we should take the time to remember the opportunity to learn more when things go wrong.
I think my first response is more along the lines of, "what did I do to deserve this?". Maybe because I believe what goes around comes around?
I'm surrounded by "I think I made a mistake" lately and we don't even live in the same city yet.
It's led to this feeling of total disconnect where I realize the person that I married may not necessarily be the person I fell in love with... and that the person I fell in love with may have shifted during this period of long distance into a person I'm not sure I can live with...
And boy wouldn't that self perception have been nice in the few days before the wedding when I was panicking but couldn't put a concrete finger on why and was talked into believing it was just nerves.
So.
Every time.
Every single negative moment.
"I think I made a mistake."
And the question of MY day... EVERY day lately: How do I get past that and make that litany shut up so I can focus on who I AM married to?
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