Not Quite Betty Crocker

I thought I had the relationship thing figured out when I learned that a good (or bad) one is made not of big moments, but of the sum total of small ones.  I don’t think all people get divorced because of big huge transgressions; some go from pretty good to desolation in steps so small they barely notice where they’re headed.  And then someone looks up and thinks, “holy hell, how’d we get here?”  The series of tiny steps needed to get back to good is overwhelming.  Someone gives up, thinking that starting over with a new person couldn’t possibly be harder than getting back to good.

So little moments became really important to me. 

Did I do the right thing just then?  Did I say something wrong?  How do I fix it?  How can we get back to good now before we’re so far gone we feel hopeless?  What if I wasn’t wrong, but I say I’m wrong, and then next time I am wrong because this time I gave in?  Then how do I fix that?

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This morning my husband was frustrated.  He gets up before I do every morning, makes coffee, brings me some (in bed if I ask nicely enough), chats for a while, then showers and heads to work.  On good days (for me), he takes the dogs out.  On bad days, he doesn’t, forgets to tell me, and all hell breaks loose.  I’ve gotten in the habit of asking him if he will take the dogs out just to know where we stand, fully expecting that if he’s running behind, he’ll say no.

This morning my husband didn’t have time but did not say no.  When I noticed his frustrated face, I asked what was wrong.  He, true to form, said, “Nothing.”

Hmmm. 

Should I press him, or will that just make this blow up? Do I even want to know?  If he’s not willing to verbalize, isn’t that on him, not me? I really shouldn’t be in the business of guessing what he’s thinking.  But then, what if this festers?  He festers, we know this. 

But every moment doesn’t have to count; some just suck.  The total of the moments is important, yes, but every single one doesn’t have to be perfect.  We can be annoyed at each other and have a good marriage.  We can be angry and still be happy together.  We can dislike each other for a little while and be okay.  Everyone gets to feel; it’s their right.  Being married doesn’t mean we’re not human.  And paying too much attention to moments sometimes makes them into a bigger deal than they should have been.

So off he went to work with his annoyance; there I sat in bed with my uncertainty.  By lunchtime, we’d both moved on.  Heck, within a few minutes we’d both moved on.