I got this on my Blackberry while driving and I wanted to pull over to post advice as quickly as possible.
But I didn’t. I can’t offer advice; when it comes to divorce, nobody can, but they do… and if you’re in a bad place, you don’t always hear it. I wouldn’t have.
So instead, I will offer you my perspective on my own divorce with as much honesty and clarity as I can. If you have follow-up questions or just want to talk with someone who has no vested interest in your future (other than that I care, really I do), email me at notquitebettycrocker@gmail.com. I also think you should ask the same question of someone who thinks their divorce was the right thing to do – but make sure they’re at least five years out, because the relief of not having to try anymore can take a few years to wear off.
~~~
We shouldn’t have gotten divorced. Not then, anyway. He moved out a few days after the first time I (soberly) uttered the words, “I don’t want to be married anymore.” Within a week I was living alone in our apartment; he’d gone back to our hometown; we were no longer a couple. It was stunningly and stupidly fast.
That declaration should have been the start of a long and soul-searching process: joint counseling. But I wouldn’t go, not wanting to be told by a third party that I was broken, that we were over, that I’d screwed up beyond repair. I wanted the blessed relief of not being responsible for our marriage and its problems anymore.
So our marriage ended because of ignorance on my part, and his. We didn’t know that you could say those words and get through them. We didn’t think to ask, “What would it take for us to get through this for one more day?”
Five years later, I can’t guarantee we would still be together, but I have a pretty good feeling we would have. Our incompatibilities weren’t insurmountable; most people’s aren’t. We just didn’t know how to be married, didn’t persevere, didn’t realize there could be a light at the end of the tunnel for us both.
~~~
I lied: I will give advice. If I could go back to myself five years ago, I would tell her to stop looking for signs and just stick it out for a while. There’s this theory that you augment anything simply by paying it attention. (Check out this month’s Fast Company for a really great article about improving children’s weight in Vietnam.) Couples counselors – good ones – now look for a bright side, any bright side, and ask couples to focus on that, even if it’s a tiny part of their lives. Relationships aren’t about the average experience; they’re about extremes. So if you can find something good in each other, one tiny little thing, and focus on it solely, you can grow it until it starts to take over. Again*.
The light at the end of the tunnel is time. Pick a length of time that seems interminable, say, two years, and just decide not to decide until then. With no decision to make, you’ll be a little freer to live and less likely to be sensitive to everything that’s not good. Then find one thing that’s good and focus on it, starving everything else of attention. Let everything ugly wither by virtue of attention starvation.
And find a good counselor. Go separately AND together. Both are important. If you can’t find anything good, take a break. Move in with a friend, don’t talk to each other for a week, go on separate vacations. Sometimes proximity is a bad thing.
~~~
{*I was going to post this later, but this seemed like a good reason to post it now.}
I spent the week away from my husband while reading books about relationships and happiness and marriage, which of course led me to miss him greatly. Also, in a time of great personal stress, he was supportive and positive in the way I needed, things at which he sometimes has to work. He was trying and I appreciated it.
Then I got home, and in our first exchange, I was annoyed. Very annoyed. Stunningly and breathtakingly annoyed. I held my tongue, got off the phone, and pondered the disconnect.
There’s the idea of a man, and there’s the implementation of a man.
Dating is fun because the goal is to get the idea of a man. You’re not looking for details like whether he picks up his socks; you’re looking for neat things like generosity and tenderness and integrity. Those are really fun things to look for, hence the fun of falling in love! I looked at him and thought, this man is kind and generous and fun and supportive and I want him to be the father of my children.
Then you get to the next step, which is how you live with the implementation of that man. How do I get past the fact that he thinks the kitchen is clean because the dishwasher’s running, never mind the stack of dishes on the counter that didn’t fit? How do I deal with his economic negativity? How do I help him when he’s down while not giving so much of myself I’m resentful?
The implementation is not so fun. And if I’m not careful, I spend all my time in the details and almost none anymore in the fabulous and fantastic idea of this man. The details don’t add up to the idea; picking your socks up doesn’t add up to “generous and supportive,” and before I know it I’m out in the weeds.
My ex-husband is a great guy, but I got so close I lost perspective.
~~~
My point is: it’s hard to have a great (or even good) relationship when you’re constantly looking for evidence to support its existence. You start to get so tired and beaten down that the only relief you can imagine is to be alone. I’ve been there. And that’s okay – it’s probably true that you need to be alone for a while. But don’t confuse needing relief with needing to be apart from someone you believed enough in to make a leap of faith when you got married.
That person is still there, those people are still there – you’re still there.
If the only light you see is that you’re both still trying, or that you’re both still living together, or that you’re both equally exhausted by your efforts, it might be enough light. Give yourself permission to ignore the bad – even just for a little while – and see what happens.
And if you need to get away, you can come stay with us… just plan on taking a dog home with you when you leave! {And if I can be so selfish as to ask something of you, keep me updated somehow, pretty please. I’ll wonder about you.}
6 comments:
I have been following you since you joined Wedding Bee, and I want you to know that your blog posts really connect with me and this one brought me to tears. I am newly married (April) and I feel like sometimes maybe I made a bad decision. As you put it often times I get lost in the details and forget about the whole man I married the big parts that made me love him. This weekend we had a huge fight, so big I took my rings off and told him I just wanted out. That I wanted to be alone and not have to deal with all of our issues -the "weeds". It's sad but sometimes the thought of being a lone seems like a breath of fresh air. But I know in my heart I married a good man, who tries to be what I need. Reading your blog post today could not have come at a better time. Thank you so much for your honesty and for just making me feel like I am not completely alone in all of this.
See I have this theory that EVERYONE struggles with the same things. Yet so many people keep 'secrets' and try to put on this front of a perfect relationship and perfect marriage.... then people who are struggling and looking for support feel alone and have no one to turn to.
I go to counseling. It helps me. I'm a normal adult - but sometimes it helps to have outside perspective. Life can be overwhelming. I'm not afaid to tell other people. I'm not afraid to encourage them to seek the similar help in life. Yet SO MANY PEOPLE won't talk about this sort of thing.
My husband and I fight. We hurt each others feelings. Sometimes we don't *like* each other. But we also love each other. And we're learning. Working thru the big issues towards a better us. But we're not perfect :) It's always reassuring to know we're not the only ones.
Being real is so important - especially amongst your family and close friends. True friends. It opens doors for others to be real. Thanks Marisa for being so open and sharing about your experiences. You have a gift with the words you spin :)
Hmmmm. So, I will comment. I have been divorced. I also should not have gotten divorced. My ex-husband is one of the best people I know. The problem: The distance between he and I happened without us recognizing it. By the time I did, the emotional ties between us were all but severed and severe damage was done. Those hurts are very hard to repair because humans tend to blame anything but ourselves.
If you are contemplating divorce, divorce is an option. I agree with Marisa. Take it off the table for AT LEAST 2 years. Give until you bleed. Would you want to be married to you? Talk. Talk. Talk. Go to a counselor. Be committed and totally in it.
If there is something external pulling you away from your marriage, walk away from it/them for those 2 years completely. Otherwise, you are almost guaranteed to look back with regret. Read and understand the biological component to attraction and relationships. Study your behavior and your patterns.
"well, what about him?"....yeah, he needs to do the work, too. You doing it first, though, will encourage him. Remember guys can be slower to do the self-work stuff.
Marriage is F-ing Hard sometimes. Period. Sometimes the "hrad-times" last for months, even a year or 2. If you married an at-the-core-quality person......it will be worth it!
I cried reading this one.
I wish I could put my finger on why - I can't.
When I got to your 'implementation' bits, I got chills.
I find myself identifying with you in many ways. I did on weddingbee too.
The days when things are Bad I worry that I've made a huge mistake. I become so scared in several directions that I find it hard to solve/work on the problem Right Then.
And I'm working on that.
But the implementation of loving my husband IS hard. Much harder than it was when we were dating and we're not even in the same city, which I think puts the focus more on our reactions and communications of things - areas in which we're so different that we could never expect to agree.
And in frustration we end arguments too soon or just agree to disagree when in truth we have many of the same ideas and goals - but how do you express that and work on those from 900 miles away?
He's too egocentric towards other people. I work too hard to walk the mile in their shoes. He only sees black and white. I'm a big fan of grey.
The hard part hasn't been anything large, which starts to give me a minute picture (without even the living together annoyances) of how little things can whittle away at a marriage and cause you to focus on the bad.
It can be something as simple as our definitions of support being different and having to work through that. I like verbal, he would prefer the caveman-like blind faith.
Or.
He doesn't clean the dishes right - I have to clean everything when I visit to erase this oily film that envelopes his dishes while I'm gone and imagining years of that just makes the effort that much more annoying.
When I could simply make sure we have a dishwasher.
Focus on one good thing. We're not in trouble enough that that's what I need to make it through but we are married - and I have to think that that's good advice even when your relationship is on the rights.
Thank you.
I needed this today.
I used to read you on WB, glad I found you again :) I would have to echo the others and say that you should take the divorce option off of the table and go to counseling. You can't simultaneously look for reasons to leave and reasons to stay. The majority of divorces happen in the first 3 years of marriage (2nd most common is right after the kids leave the nest). Learn communication skills, conflict resolution skills, team skills - couples need to be able to express how hurt they are in ways other than removing a ring and using the d-word. I start my rotation in couple's therapy this summer - maybe I'll have more to chime in with then :) I know I have a lot to learn from people who are struggling so I really appreciate these posts.
I've been giving your post a lot of thought, and I really appreciate the clarity you have on the topic.
One thing I would add, though: a counselor is a great idea if s/he is the right counselor for you. When my husband and I were having problems a few months back, the first woman I went to see refused to help me find options that weren't divorce, and I was not ready for that. So, I left her, and found someone else who was willing to brainstorm solutions with me, and we managed to work through things (a lot of time and a lot of work later). For us, making the change from one counselor to the other made all the difference.
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