Not Quite Betty Crocker

I am all the time.

My husband was not-so-nice to me last night.  Not mean or jerk-y, just not very nice and a bit distant, and (for once) I had no idea why.

Much discussion ensued.  Not “discussion” but discussion.  Not fun discussion, but we kept the conversation going despite discomfort on both sides; kept the tone low and casual despite hurt feelings; kept getting closer to the root of the problem despite a preference for denial.

This morning in the shower I was struck by how contradictory human nature can be.  We act out when we’re hurt.  We belittle when we feel small.  We are most sensitive with the people who most care.  And we induce the very thing we want least by our own actions.  {At least, I do.}

But last night I was lucky.  I’d had a nap to catch up on lost sleep and was still feeling the disconnectedness that gets me through travel weeks.  So when he admitted he was hurt, I understood that he needed more than an apology.

He needed support.

We all want to be married to the cheerleader - not the girl in the short skirts but the person who makes us feel good about ourselves.  In a classic human nature kind of quirk, when we want to be pumped up, we let ourselves sink lower, as if being more upset and pathetic will prompt a spontaneous outpouring of “you can do it!”

He thought I thought too little of him when in fact I thought too much.  I thought he was threatened when in fact he was inspired – and then frustrated.  He withdrew when what he wanted was to be drawn out.

So I did. And it worked.  Yet another life skill learned from hours spent in airports (along with “being genuinely nice gets you far,” “talk to everyone, no matter how intimidating or seemingly worthy,” and “sometimes you just have to go with the flow.”)